Archive for the 'Humor' Category

ESL Poetry

Published on May 26, 2009 in Humor and Language. 0 Comments

I happen to have a lot of good blog material based on my students, but I’m usually so fed up with them that I don’t care to think about them outside of class. Fortunately for you, my readers, I have found something a little too awesome not to share: their poetry.

Of course, it took a lot of prodding and yelling in order to get them to write poetry, since Chinese students are notoriously uncreative. It’s not necessarily even that, so much as they are designed to avoid creativity. At any rate, I made them write very rigid haiku in order to work on their syllable counting. Most of them failed miserably at that while simultaneously creating bizarre and intriguing short poems.

Keep in mind the following poems were written by my 15 year old SAT prep students — students who deem themselves good enough at English to try and survive college in an English speaking country. And sadly, they are some of my best students.

I have tried to keep capitalization and punctuation as they are on the page. Here we go…

I am a good boy
But he is not a good boy
I’m better than him
-Liu

I am a bad boy
But he is not a bad boy
I’m worse than him
-Liu

He wrote these first two pretty quickly, at which point I made fun of him. He then spent a little while longer creating this masterpiece:

I’m wearing a hat
a very big blue and red hat
It’s a nice one.
-Liu

His friend never does anything I ask him to, so I’m surprised he even came up with these:

How fat the cat is
It always eats a lot like pigs
-Charlie

Moon. is bright and cold.
sun give the life to the world.
Moon always depends the sun.
-Charlie

Love give happy and warm
We always enjoy loves and.
-Charlie

I don’t really know what to say.

Without earnestly heart.
How can we enjoy lovely.
damage thorn.
-Viola

I give you half an hour to write three 3 line poems, and you give me this? Come on!

The T-shirt of Jeff
Green and blue strips that is cool
But it’s like a worm
-Angel

Great, commentary on the teacher. At least she’s being original.

The hair style of Jeff
someone says look like Beckham
But it’s like a worm.
-Lisa

More commentary on the teacher. Too bad you just copied the girl next to you.

So big an ice-cream
With chocolate and peanuts
tastes so delicious
-Andy

Teddy the cute bear
With brown curly hair and small eyes
Lazy lies in the bed.
-Angel

The squirrel wakes up.
He goes to eat some apple pies.
He is full at last.
-Lillian

Hmmm… okay.

I mentioned that most haiku are a commentary on nature, which apparently means “the sun” to Chinese students:

The sea is really blue.
Sun shines through the window
The star is bright.
-Lisa

The Sun never rise
So the stars can always shine
Shining in the sky.
-Angel

You are my sun shine
Rises from the east of world.
Makes me warm and pleased.
-Lillian

Yesterday sun rose
Tomorrow sun also rises
But today is dark.
-Ivy

Emo poetry exists in China!

I woke up in the night
And notice I have been dead
I go on to sleep
-Ivy

Then there are the students who understood the assignment and actually put forth some sort of effort:

Flowing bright moonlight
fallen leaves dance in the sky
With clouds and soft wind.
-Jessica

Without a slight sound
Night is descending in peace
fireworks blooming in sky
-Jessica

One day he comes in
the world I used living along
then one day he gone
-Jessica

Silent melting night.
snow shines in watery moon
pale light fills the world
-Andy

She is beautiful
the Venus of my own world
never notice me
-Andy

And then there are my random favorites which I feel are best left to speak for themselves:

I don’t want to be naive.
I fight for my dream forever.
It is my choice.
-Veronica

I’m doing my homework.
It is terrible.
-Lisa

Yesterday I dreamed.
I dreamed that someone was died.
I woke up at last.
-Lillian

Where ever you go
No matter how silly you are
I will go with you
-Ivy

Many girls like muscle men.
I do not think that is wise.
You should not judge people.
-Veronica

Flames make me insane.
They are brief but beautiful.
It is fantastic.
-Veronica

One of my favorite things to do is to read them to Caitlin with a very dramatic tone, leaving an emphatic pause between the second and third lines. Such beauty! Feel free to use these on your loved ones, just make sure you give their original authors credit. They put minutes of work into these.

Squirrels

Published on March 22, 2008 in Humor and Intriguing. 2 Comments

A few days ago, as Caitlin and I were walking through the quad, we stopped and watched some squirrels eating nuts around the base of a tree.  This is by far not an uncommon experience, but we’re both still rather mesmerized by the little rodents.  Then Caitlin threw this question at me:

What does squirrel poop look like?

It had never dawned on me until that moment that I had never seen (or recognized) squirrel poop, despite the fact that I see about a hundred of these a day.  UC Davis has the largest ground squirrel research center in the world, yet I have never seen the waste product of a single one of them.

Oddly enough, a day or two later, as we were again taking a stroll through the quad, we stopped to watch a particularly cute one eat a nut.  As he scampered away, Caitlin once again asked this question.  At that very moment, the squirrel looked at us, then nonchalantly did his little business, and climbed up the tree.  The amazing part about it was that had we not been interested in that exact action, we would not have even noticed, since he did it in such a swift and unassuming motion.  If only I had that ability.

No, I take that back.

Essays

Published on March 15, 2008 in Humor. 0 Comments

Last night at midnight, I had an essay I needed to turn in.  I finished it at 11:47 or so, then decided to try my hand at one of the extra credit options we had due at the same time.  The extra assignment was to write a review of part III of “Century of the Self,” an interesting series on psychology made by the BBC.

I realized immediately that an essay produced in entirety in ten minutes would not be a very good one, so I went the other way and tried to make it as horrible as possible.  Or at least as humorous as possible.

My final paragraph was regarding a section of the video starting at 23:13.  It’s a rather interesting segment, and I’d actually recommend you watch it.  It’s only about three minutes long.

Here’s part of what I turned in:

I can’t write a review of this without mentioning “radical lesbian nuns.”  I’m seriously trying to get a band together, just so we can be called this.  If our inner desires can make a nun become both radical and lesbian, maybe these things should be released more often.  At least in nunneries, where it would be the most beneficial.  Because, you know, who wouldn’t benefit from a radical lesbian nun?  Jesus?  Yeah, probably not Jesus.

Manly Month of March

Published on March 6, 2008 in Humor, Intriguing and Manliness. 0 Comments

So, as many of you might have noticed, the current month is March.  Also, many of you are probably very thankful that I am not participating in the annual manly festivities of said month.  There are several reasons for this decision, but I will only list one here, as it is the primary reason for my clean face:

I completely forgot about it.

The Homeless

Published on March 4, 2008 in Humor and Intriguing. 2 Comments

After eating dinner, I noticed there was the usual homeless man sitting on the steps of what is now formerly Bogey’s Books.  I generally try and overlook the homeless, masking my apathy with ignorance.  This time, however, I decided to read his sign to see if there was anything particularly notable.

He was in his mid twenties and looking rather homeless (read: dirty).  His small cardboard sign read:

THROW CHANGE AT ME

Incredibly amused and seeing a great blogging opportunity, I decided to support this cause.  I found the only change I had (a quarter) and walked over to him.

It surprised me how hesitant I was.  I normally have no problem being an absurd jerk toward strangers, but I think the homeless have been abused too much by the homed.  Seizing a rare moment of politeness, I asked, “Would you mind if I literally threw this at you?”

I was moderately surprised by his reaction.  “No, go right ahead,” he replied excitedly.  I threw the quarter, overhand, of course, right at the center of his chest.  “You’re the first person who has actually thrown change at me,” he said.

“I was excited,” I said.

“Me too,” he replied.

And with that, I went on my way.

Joke

Published on March 3, 2008 in Humor. 0 Comments

(For UC Davis students only)

Where do seals go to work out?

The ARCarcarcarcarc…

Get it?  Because that’s what seals say.

ICYC

Published on February 16, 2008 in Humor and Language. 1 Comment

If you haven’t noticed, I tend to use internet speak (lol, jk, rofl, etc.) only verbally.  I never use it seriously, although it has become so frequent, I think it might have already entered my casual lexicon.

On that train of thought, I noticed that I tend to end most of my stories with the phrase “in case you cared,” since I often tell mildly unrelated and boring stories.  This happens so frequently, I have started abbreviating this to ICYC.  So if you ever hear my tell a story, instead of ending it by finding $20, it will most likely end with an initialism.

icyc.

Formal Apology

Published on February 14, 2008 in Humor and Intriguing. 4 Comments

As Caitlin was mildly peeved at me earlier, I finally got the opportunity to use the formal apology form I discovered last week:

Warning: Do not use. For some reason, even though I formally apologized, she got even madder at me. This thing was counterproductive.

Psychics

Published on February 6, 2008 in Humor and Intriguing. 3 Comments

Whenever I have really embarrassing or secret thoughts, I start getting paranoid that someone near me might have the ability to read minds.  This is definitely not helped by the fact that I secretly like TV shows and movies that revolve around superpowers.

In order to combat this potential invasion of privacy, I try to mute my thoughts and think in images.  That way, I figure that a person who can hear my thoughts will get lost, as most people have a pretty hard time hearing images.

It’s also funny to watch your thoughts as speech bubbles in some weird cartoon of your life.

The Requirement

Published on February 1, 2008 in Classics, Humor and Language. 3 Comments

A few weeks ago, one of my professors was lecturing about a Latin piece titled, “The Requirement.” After Columbus, Spaniards would journey to the New World, and seeing that it was their duty as good Catholics, they would try to convert the natives. In order to do so, they would read this beautifully written text which basically said, “While we will not force you to convert, we will kill you if you don’t.”

I found this idea hilarious, although it didn’t seem like too many other people in the class had the same reaction. Since I’m the president of the Classical Studies Association, I thought it would be great to have a Latin text that said something to that effect. I would like to read that to freshmen or something.

I tried looking for the text online, but when you search for “Latin text The Requirement,” you tend to get thousands of Classics websites telling the requirements for achieving their degree. Figuring he would have more information on what to look for, I sent my professor an email:

Dr. Elmore–

Would you happen to know where I could find a copy of the Latin text of The Requirement? I’ve been searching the internet, but I’m having a really hard time getting anything other than required classes for Latin students.

Since I’m the president of the Classical Studies Association, I’ve been needing a nice passage to yell at freshmen, and this just seems to be perfect.

Thanks for the help,

Jeff

Several hours later, he replied:

Jeff,

Your request has been driving me crazy. I thought it wouldn’t be hard to find the latin text, but I’m finding it impossible. The text was read in Latin and Spanish; and while I have found the old Spanish version I cannot find the Latin.

I have asked the librarian, but after an hour and a half of searchin I have to give up for today. Sorry.

mark

I thought that was pretty impressive. I talked to him about it later, and he said it became his quest. Once he got the librarian involved, it became a much bigger quest. Since they had exhausted everything at the UC Davis library, they started searching outside our databases. Being a competent librarian, he sent a query to the most likely library to have a copy: the Vatican.

About a week went by without any word from Popesville, but just the other day, My professor forwarded me the chain of emails. He said:

Jeff,

Here’s the response from the Vatican. It’s not good for you, but it is very interesting, since there are several books which argue that the ‘conquest’ fundamentally linguistic and that the reading of the requirement in Latin (as the global language, as opposed to the national language of Spanish) was central to the constitution of global authority.

See you later today.
mark

The original query to the Vatican:

Dear Sirs,

My name is Roberto C. Delgadillo. I’m the subject bibliographer for the Department of Religious Studies at the University of California, Davis. I have been approached by a faculty member with a query regarding “El Requerimiento” written by Juan López de Palacios Rubios, in 1510. We have found various translations but not in Latin. My queries are: 1). was this document written in Latin? and if so what is its bibliographic information and where is located? Any help you may provide would be appreciated. Saludos, Roberto Delgadillo

Roberto C. Delgadillo, Ph.D.
Humanities & Social Sciences Reference Bibliographer
Peter J. Shields Library

The Vatican’s reply:

Please look also at this web site and at the bibliography related:
http://www.univ.trieste.it/~storia/Docenti/Abbattista/Corso04_05/REQUERIMIENTO.doc
After having browsed many web sites, we came to the conclusion that “El Requerimiento” was a text, not a book, and that it was written in Spanish. We looked in many catalogues (our’s, Biblioteca Nacional de Madrid), without finding it.
Sincerely

Dr. Massimo Ceresa
Reference Librarian
Vatican Library

So, I never got my Latin text.  As a consolation, I got an email from the Vatican and the knowledge that people have been lying to me.  It would make sense that the speech would be recited in Latin, as it would not have any particular human association with it at the time.  But was the Latin version fabricated?  There seems to be no evidence that it existed.