Monthly Archive for November, 2007

Earlier this week, I received an email from a complete stranger with the subject “my college essay” and the body consisting only of “thank you!” Since I was at work and on a poorly protected PC, I felt no shame in opening the attached Word document titled “UC prompt third draft.doc.” As I expected, it contained essays for the UC application.

I checked online and discovered that the deadline was at the end of the month, meaning it was probably intended for someone to read over and edit. As it was sent to me and not the intended recipient, I figured it would likely just die in cyberspace if I didn’t take action. Since I was at work, where my sole purpose is to edit things, I went ahead and fulfilled the original purpose of her email. I opened it and made corrections.

I replied to her email as such:

Eunnah,

I have no idea who you are, but it seemed like you could use some help anyway. I read through your essays and marked what I felt you need to fix. Here are a few reasons why you should trust my suggestions:

I got into a UC, so I can obviously write something the Admissions office will accept.

I’m a fourth-year triple major in English, Classical Literature & Languages, and Linguistics, so I’ve had plenty of experience with language.

I’m a copy editor for the California Aggie, meaning I read all the articles to make sure they are coherent.

When editing your essays, I used a fairly standard method of notation, namely keeping comments in brackets and bolding what needs to be fixed. If you have any problems understanding what I wrote, feel free to write back.

There were a few general suggestions I would make. First, keep in mind that this is an essay to prove you are mature enough to enter college, both intellectually and as an individual. It’s important to sound natural, but not to the extent where it seems you are conversing with your friends. This seemed particularly evident when you started sentences with “So,” or excessively use the intensifier “really.” Any time I felt your register was a little too casual, I marked it as being too colloquial.

Everything else was fairly obvious. If I suggested a way to reword a phrase, you are under no obligation to use my suggestion. Feel free to come up with something of your own, just keep in mind the essence of the suggestion.

Overall, the essays seemed fairly strong and reasonably competent. I don’t know your academic history, but I’d say you have a fair chance of getting accepted. Good luck.

Jeff

Here is the document I sent back to her:

Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I have always felt loved from my family and community. [connect these sentences with ‘since’] They are the people who influence me the most. So,[omit] my family and community were the main aspects that contributed to me in[omit] finding my dreams and my goals[the phrase sounds too free. Try using something like ‘discovering my future plan’; also, make sure it is singular], which is to become a preschool teacher. My mother was my main influence because she was the person to introduce me to the field of teaching. My church really[also] influenced me because I was very active within the community. I found passion for teaching during my junior year of high school as[when] I was doing some[omit; colloquial] community service as a teacher’s assistant for my mother at my church.

“Do I really have to look over some snot-nosed kids who are probably completely out of control?”[You should probably leave out the interior dialogue or elevate the register] I thought to myself with a bad attitude on the way to the preschool Korean-language classroom. Sure babies were cute, but kids[adolescents] were loud and out of control. However, after the first day of helping out the preschool class, I realized that I actually liked my experience with them. They were very polite and quite the[behaved like; too colloquial] little angels. Sure[Of course,] there were a couple of troublemakers, but I had[omit] learned to deal with them. Helping out at the class taught me more about how to relate to the children and how I would teach them. I began by working with one student and[,] gradually I [I gradually] learned how to teach all of them at once. So[Through time; or something to that effect], I continued to assist the class[,] and it slowly began to appeal to me. So,[omit] I thought to myself during the class[During the class, I thought to myself], “I love doing this, but would I continue to love it in the future if I pursue it?” I thought about it during the whole class[,] and when it was over[,] I had a warm feeling that I couldn’t explain, but I knew that it had come from my interaction with the kids. That’s when I knew that teaching kids and really[omit] influencing their[them] for the better was what truly made me happy. I really[honestly] wanted to make a difference in their lives[,] and that was what I was meant to do. Finding my true calling became possible through my family and community’s support and belief in me. [This sentence is disconnected from the rest. Try: Finding my true calling was possible because my family and community continued to support and believe in me.]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

Every achievement and talent I have has taught me a valuable quality that I would[can, will; you want a present or future tense here] utilize[use, be able to use; utilize sounds pretentious] in the future. Nine years of studying piano, six years of studying flute, and four years of Tae-Kwon-Do taught me diligence and perseverance. Those long years of studying gradually developed my diligent quality[diligence]. Although my school workload began to get larger as years went on, I constantly told myself that I CAN DO IT[flat or italics; upper case is distracting]. Even when a little voice in my head kept telling me[I felt; the little voice seems too colloquial] that I couldn’t succeed, I pushed myself even harder.[either omit the ‘even’ at the start of the sentence or end with ‘I still pushed myself’; ‘even’ does not lead to ‘harder’]

When I was nine-years-old[no hyphens; use in circumstances like ‘a nine-year-old girl’], I began taking piano lessons. But[omit] later, I had[omit; pluperfect is for time prior to a past action] realized that it required so much work and effort, so[omit; result clause] I wanted to quit. However, I knew that if I quit[,] I would end up regretting it because multiple[several; ‘multiple’ sounds awkward] people had told me that the ability to play piano is very rewarding and I did not want to miss out on that[miss that experience; sounds too colloquial]. So[As a result, Because of this; ‘so’ is not a good conjunction when starting a sentence], I pushed myself to continue and became an accomplished pianist. After overcoming one instrument and continuously studying it[since ‘continuously’ implies present action, you would want to leave this out if you precede it with ‘after’], I wanted to expand my musical talents. When I went into[started] middle school, I joined the school concert band as a flutist and continued into high school. Not only did I conquer two amazing accomplishments, but I also made my contributions[contributed] to the community through it[them]. I got to play keyboard for the college service,[omit] and weekly worship services at my church upon request.

Since I had the musical talent accomplished[had already accomplished musical endeavors], I got the desire[wanted] the[to] explore my physical[athletic] side. Seeing how my father is physically talented, I really wanted to see if I had an innate physical gift as well. So[Because of this], I began taking Tae-Kwon-Do lessons. I thought it was a very good way to really[omit; split infinitive] learn about my Korean culture while having fun[,] because Tae-Kwon-Do is one of the main influential factors in Korean culture[.; run-on sentence] and I also wanted to maintain the Korean tradition of learning Tae-Kwon-Do in my family. [Since several members of my family have learned Tae-Kwon-Do, I wanted to continue the tradition]. So,[omit jl] I began Tae-Kwon-Do when I was thirteen and continued to work hard to earn a black belt. The class taught me a great sense of respect toward the masters, instructors, classmates, and myself. I continued to excel greatly, but for a moment[,] the temptation to quit crept inside me. When I was a red-black belt, I had[omit] dislocated my ankle from doing a jump-back-hook kick and was very severely injured. I became so afraid of getting hurt again that I thought about quitting. During the month that I rested in order get my ankle healed[to heal], I had serious doubts about going back. But then,[Then] I thought about the all the hard work I had already done and how far I had gotten. Not only that, but my master and friends at the Tae-Kwon-Do studio called almost everyday to check up on how I was doing. The support and care they had given[gave] me helped me be courageous enough to get back up and continue my journey towards earning a black belt. On Nov. 11, 2005, I earned my 1^st degree black belt and on Feb. 20, 2007, I earned my 2^nd degree. Tae-Kwon-Do gives me so much pride and self-confidence in myself[,] and I am really lucky to have discovered this innate talent that I had in me all along.

I am proud [of] my talents because it[they] has[have] taught me how to persevere in all that I do and, therefore, helping[help] me become a diligent person. My accomplishments taught me a sense of respect towards others and that[which] will help my future really[omit; colloquial] grow from different influences from different people[, as different people influence me in different ways]. In going off[omit] to college and growing into adulthood, I have the quality of overcoming the desire to quit. Although things may get hard[be difficult] in college, I know that I have the willpower to accomplish anything I set my mind to.[you may consider rewording this last sentence as it ends in a preposition. It’s not normally a big deal, especially in this context, but as it is the last sentence of the essay, you should probably avoid it]

Since I did respond in 2.5 hours, I imagine she was rather shocked. In her appreciation and 12th grade style, she thanked me with an e-card. Not only that, but it was in the glorious Comic Sans font in white with a yellow background.

I am so sorry that I sent my UC essay to you. It was meant for another Jeff Lee but I had gotten the email addresses mixed up. I know it must’ve taken away some of your time. I am so sorry for the mix up, but I really wanted to thank you for your sincerity in editing my paper even though you didn’t know who I was. Your editing really helped and I am entirely grateful to you. Again, I’m so sorry about the mix-up, but, truly, thank you so much. You are a really nice guy.
-Eunnah-

I must admit, I kind of enjoyed that. Being unexpectedly nice to complete strangers? That does not sound like me.

Today, I witnessed what I believe is the rudest thing I have ever seen in a lecture.

Our Phonetics class generally has about 20 people in it, scattered around a 45 or so person room.  I sit in the moderate front, so I have a limited view of what people are doing around me.  One of my friends always chooses to sit in the very front row, right in front of me.  This generally annoys me, since that’s where I like to put my feet.

Anyway, I happened to look at her desk during lecture today.  I was rather appalled.  In the middle of lecture, in the front row, she was playing solitaire.

Now, I’ve been in lecture halls where there’s the group of people scattered around the back of the classroom with laptops, playing games or chatting online.  It’s rare when you see one of these in the front.  It’s even rarer when you see the game of solitaire completely independent from the computer.   That’s right.  She was playing cards with herself in the front row of a lecture.

Everyone around me noticed this as well.  We all had the same thought: What is she thinking?  It was by all means a boring lecture, but in my mind, there is nothing that would merit such blatant disrespect.  I suppose part of the reason she felt it was okay was that he is such a mild mannered and passive man that he would never make a comment about it.  In my opinion, that should be reason to pay him more respect.  Since he is the kind of person who would refrain from making any comment, he deserves something kind in return.  Such as some sort of decency.

Apparently not.