Monthly Archive for January, 2008

The Masculinity of Shopping

Published on January 15, 2008 in Humor and Manliness. 9 Comments

After having dinner with my friend Cody at the Habit, we were walking back to the university and passed the Gap.  Cody and I were both going to work at separate places on campus, so I told him I wanted to see if they had any sweaters and offered for him to join me.  He politely declined, so I went inside.

I perused their multiple sale sections, ultimately deciding that their sweater selection was either too gaudy or too expensive for my desires.  Then I found their pant selection.  They had several styles of nice pants that were in my size and on sale.  I even found the slacks they had in Santa Barbara, only this time they were in 28×30.  Grabbing the two cheapest and most desired pairs of pants, I wandered back to the sweater row, looking one more time.  Immediately to the right, I discovered their sale on accessories.  I found a really cool 78% lambswool striped scarf and decided I needed it.  I was contemplating getting a new messenger bag, but decided against it, primarily because it would be weird carrying a bag inside my backpack.  I stood dutifully in line, then paid for my goods.

As I was exiting the store, I saw a flash of something very strange: an opaque image of Cody floating two feet higher than normal.  When I opened the door, I realized that the opaqueness was because the glass had a reflection, and he was standing on a little wall.  I was a little shocked to see him waiting for me, 20 minutes after I first entered the store.

Apparently, he understood that I would run in and check their sweaters.  It was incomprehensible that a guy would spend even a small amount of time on an unscheduled shopping trip.  Since we did not have an official goodbye, he intended to wait for me.

On my end, I thought that his refusal to enter the store indicated that he needed to be going, so I was on my own, able to shop at my leisure.  I was unaware that it is so unusual for males to enjoy shopping this much.  Maybe I’m just weird.  Well, it’s more than a maybe.

My Dealings With the Mormons, Part 10

Published on January 13, 2008 in Humor and Religion. 3 Comments

This is part 10 of a series. It begins here.

The afternoon after I had had my long chat with Randy, I was awoken from a rather pleasant nap by my phone vibrating in my pocket. I noticed a (530) phone number, so I picked up, expecting someone from Davis. Surprise, surprise, it was a Mormon.

Apparently, the eager young missionaries tried to find my apartment, but decided it doesn’t exist. I don’t blame them; it’s labeled very strangely. I live at the backside of our complex, so the address is on a parallel street. In order to get to our apartment, however, you must enter from another street.

She called to ask how to get to the apartment. I was a bit confused, explaining that I’m not actually at the apartment and wouldn’t be for a few more days. Also, I thought it was extremely rude for them to show up unannounced, as I did not want missionaries bothering my roommates. I asked if they could call me in a week in order to set up an appointment. This is exactly what happened with the last missionaries, so I expected it to be normal protocol.

Actually, they were unable to do that. Apparently, the missionaries were given a cell phone that can only make (530) calls. Since my phone number is outside of that, they couldn’t call me. Annoyed that rude Mormons woke me from my nap, I was bitter and snappy with the lady on the phone, which I’m fairly certain came through to her end.

“They’re two very nice gentlemen, just like you,” she said.

Well, what was I to do? I wasn’t about to set an appointment, since neither my work nor school schedule had been settled yet. The best thing would be for the missionaries to call me once I got back to town, but apparently, that was impossible. “Well, that’s what they did last year,” I snapped at the woman. “I do not see any reason why you can’t do it again.”

She tried to explain, but I stopped caring. “How about, one week from now, you call me and set up an appointment,” I said. “You can obviously call me, so that should work, right?”

She made some sort of attempt at explaining that it wasn’t her job to do so, but eventually said that something would work out.

It’s been two weeks and I haven’t heard from any Mormons.

Actually, I take that back. I mentioned the incident to Randy, who said that it must have been from the card I filled out in Salt Lake City. I thought that would be logical, but I remembered that the woman specifically said, “Randy told us that you would like to meet with some of our representatives.”

Efficiency is sometimes the bane of Mormonism.

My Dealings With the Mormons, Part 9

Published on January 13, 2008 in Humor and Religion. 0 Comments

This is part 9 of a series. It begins here.

As promised, this is the follow-up to the New York Missionary report.

New Year’s Day, I was out helping cut up some cardboard boxes when I received a phone call from Randy. We agreed on a time, the place left undetermined. Around 3:00 p.m., he called me back and for the sake of simplicity, I drove over to his place.

So here we were, two friends from high school who had recently been reintroduced, both poised to discuss religion. I’m fairly certain we were both looking forward to the conversation, albeit for different reasons. I was excited because I knew it would be less proselytizing and more answering the particular questions I had accumulated (hastily scribbled on a scratch piece of paper).

Situated in their living room on adjacent couches, we began our conversation. I started by briefly explaining my history with the Mormon church (brief in comparison to this series), which seemed to impress him due to my inquisitive nature. Once we had settled my position with the church, I proceeded to ask my questions, allowing for further discussion on the matter. For lack of a better lead-in, here’s my interpretation of how it went:

Texts

As a Classics major, one of the things I base scholarship on is the reliability of original texts. As I have probably made clear elsewhere in this series, there are no original texts of the Book of Mormon. The golden plates were translated and given back to the angel. Also, there is little evidence of the language, a modified Egyptian, even existing. Again, I questioned why the style of the Book of Mormon is so similar to the style of the King James Version of the bible, despite the fact that certain linguistic characteristics of the KJV were uncommon even at the time it was translated, let alone 200 years later.

As far as the original texts are concerned, their lacking is a matter of faith. Also, Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon into the scriptural language of the day, which just so happened to be that of the KJV. Randy told a story of a non-Mormon who was asked to translate the book into some sort of Semitic language. As he was translating, he was surprised to find several strange phrases that were repeated in English, despite the fact that they were obscure. Strangely enough, they were common phrases in the Semitic languages. One of the few examples he could think of off the top of his head was “and it came to pass.”

My counter argument to that is that it seems like Joseph Smith was trying to mimic the bible, particularly the KJV. The phrase “and it came to pass” is the KJV translation of καὶ ἐγένετο in Greek, a very common expression that means something like “and it happened.” I’m sure it’s similar in Hebrew, as it comes up often in the Old Testament. The translation as “and it came to pass” was merely the convention of the KJV. In my opinion, the occurrence of that phrase in the Book of Mormon was not necessarily evidence of an original Semitic language, but it could rather be evidence of someone mimicking the KJV for tone, style, and and particular phrases.

I also asked about Joseph Smith’s translation of the bible. It seems he went over the bible and made an effort to clear things up, either ambiguous things or parts that would make things easier for the Mormon church. The few examples I saw were merely explaining the speaker or the addressee, yet there are apparently entire parts that are different in the JST. My major problem with this is that Joseph Smith was going off the KJV, itself a translation, which any good classicist knows is a huge problem. But apparently, Randy uses it merely as a supplement, since it is essentially the KJV with footnotes.

Also, I asked if he knew of any particular instances where additional manuscripts back up the JST over another translation, but he couldn’t give me precise examples. He did remind me that the manuscripts we have are all copies of the originals, so they all vary in reliability too, but I would still trust them over a very questionably reliable editor.

He also cited the witnesses of the tablets, as seen in the beginning of every Book of Mormon. I asked about those people, having heard that many had been excommunicated from the church. Randy did not deny this. In fact, he even informed me which ones. He explained that everyone goes through different struggles, and even though some came back and some didn’t, nobody ever denied their witness.

The Afterlife

What happens to good Mormons when they die? Randy asked what I understood, so I explained:

When good Mormons die, they get their own planet and populate it with their children, like how we are all God’s children on earth.

He seemed amused at the idea of a personal planet, but more or less agreed to that interpretation. Since families are such an important part of the Mormon religion, it makes sense that they would be so in the afterlife as well. Death is an extension of life, so the Mormon religion promises that the family here on earth extends to the family in death. This is why it’s important to have a good family and why the Mormons spend so much time researching genealogies, as they believe they can seal their ancestors long after they have died.

As part of the family idea, God has a wife. It is important for procreation that there be a mother and a father, so if we are to be God’s children, He must have a wife. Interestingly, they acknowledge her existence, but do not acknowledge her. They two are separate individuals as parents, but one in marriage. They justify this by the Hebrew word for God, “Elohim,” both plural and neuter. Most religions attribute this to a sort of royal “we,” but the Mormons look at it as an actual dualistic God.

At this, I questioned him by asking if they considered themselves polytheistic, having both a Heavenly Father and Mother, which he agreed to in some respect. He countered with the argument that Christians (which I corrected to Catholics) believe in the Trinity.

Tithing

Must a good Mormon give 10% before taxes? Now, I’m an anomaly when it comes to church and money, believing that they should remain as separate as possible (Luke 20:25). God does not require earthly money, just as government law does not require religious sacrifices. Most religions rely on the power of guilt to get members to donate money to the church. The Mormons, however, continue the tradition of tithing by requiring 10% of all income.

There are two sides to this argument. My side is that the two worlds do not need to intersect—that the church does not need earthly money in order to maintain strength. The other side argues that tithing is very scriptural, and there is nothing explicitly against it. On top of that, the money is not for personal profit, but for community activities, helping charities, training missionaries, producing free bibles, etc. Randy even added that there is also the belief that whatever you have is of God, so the donation of physical items to help others is not uncommon. Thus, many Mormons end up donating more than 10% to help others, sometimes reaching as high as 50%.

Storing Food

One of the interesting things about Mormon homes is the large amount of stored food. Good Mormons are supposed to have a year’s supply of food in storage. I was unclear about the purpose of this, having heard rumors of necessity for the apocalypse or some other great disaster. Randy explained that it’s primarily for the event of an emergency, that everyone can have enough to survive. He cited Hurricane Katrina, that the Mormons in New Orleans had their supply of food to help them and their neighbors stay alive. As far as he knew, there was no larger purpose than for emergencies such as that. Also, he added that most families only keep about 72 hours worth of food, not a full year’s supply.

Polygamy

The big issue. I was surprised at how open and honest he was. Actually, I wasn’t all that surprised, as I figured they all had to suffer through a lot of harassment regarding the topic. As expected, he explained that there were many widows in the church, and the men were needed to take care of them. Once the need had passed, polygamy was no longer necessary.

I asked what he knew about Joseph Smith excommunicating those who did not agree with polygamy, to which he explained that many people were excommunicated for various reasons, but he didn’t know anything about going against polygamy.

I brought up the notion that it was extremely convenient to get a revelation that polygamy was unacceptable right around the time when Utah was applying for statehood, and their polygamous lifestyle was looked down upon. Basically, Randy admitted that it was pretty convenient. But that’s where faith comes in.

Racism

This was a particularly pertinent topic for Randy, as he spent his mission in the heart of New York, a place filled with those of a darker skin than your typical Mormon. To refresh everyone’s memory, the common belief is that Mormons believe African Americans to be the descendants of Cain, and that they were not allowed in the church until the 1970s.

For that first part, Randy explained that it was a particular individual who did not speak as a representative of the church. Much like Al Gore inventing the internet, word spread and rumors flew.

For the second, he explained that it was never explicitly stated that African Americans could not enter into the priesthood, only that there was a statement in the 70s that allowed for everyone to do so. He mentioned that there were a few Black people as priests beforehand, but didn’t provide any further information. I also noted how convenient it was for that revelation, right around the time of a big civil rights push, but he again came back with faith.

Meso-American Studies

Really? It’s quite a big deal at BYU. Anything about professors losing tenure for publishing anything contrary to the Book of Mormon was news to Randy.

Jesus in Native American Records

If Jesus really came to the Americas, wouldn’t there be some sort of record of him? Randy pointed out that some people believe the stories of Quetzalcoatl are actually of Jesus. There are more examples, but he didn’t have them at hand.

Testimony

To satisfy a suspicion of Shane’s, I asked what he meant by his “testimony.” Basically, your personal testimony is a statement you make that affirms your belief in the bible and the Book of Mormon. When we were on our tour, we noticed that our guides said, “And I believe that the Book of Mormon is true” ad nauseam. When I suggested that by repeating something so much, a person could really convince him/herself of anything. He admitted that it seems a bit like brainwashing, but confessed that every time he says those words, the feeling of acceptance, love, and whatever else flows back inside him and helps him continue his job. I suppose it’s a personal thing.

That pretty much summed up my list. We helped his parents move boxes into the garage, talked some about how things have changed since high school, then we said goodbye. Being a good Mormon, he asked if I would like to speak with the two missionaries in my district in Davis, to which I accepted. I assumed that by the time they would call me, I would have a new list of questions.

And with that, I concluded my least biased and most informative interaction with a Mormon to date.

Continue reading here.

My Dealings With the Mormons, Part 8

Published on January 1, 2008 in Humor and Religion. 2 Comments

This is part 8 of a series. It begins here.

While we were in Salt Lake City, I received a Facebook invitation to a mission report by one of my friends from high school. Even though I hadn’t seen or talked to him in 3.5 years, I felt the natural curiosity about Mormonism, so I decided to do everything I could to attend. This would be the first time I would experience Mormonism from someone I knew well in a context outside of the religion.

Sunday, at 5:55 p.m., I showed up to Randy’s house for the 6 p.m. gathering. As usual, my punctuality threw people off guard, as their family was still finishing up dinner. There were a few other people who arrived when I did, so I made some awkward small talk and looked at pictures. As the minutes rolled on, more people showed up, eventually including people I knew from high school.

The audience mostly consisted of other Mormons, so the few (maybe 6) of us high school friends were the definite minority. Having had a relatively large experience with the religion, I really appreciated how Randy explained the basic principles while keeping it interesting to those who had grown up knowing these things or had already gone on their own mission.

It started, as expected, with Randy playing a song on the piano. The presentation had two purposes: to show his experiences on his mission to New York and to show non-Mormons what he believes. The format was mostly pictures with narrative, a few videos, and several stories about the people in the pictures.

I must admit, it was nice to see a different side of Randy. For the six years of school we had together, I had never heard him speak so openly about what he believed. This was understandable, as I’m sure most of the people I know have never heard me speak similarly. Also, as I’m sure the majority of the audience understood and was familiar with the topic, it was to be expected. Nonetheless, I really enjoyed listening to someone I knew outside the Mormon context speak so genuinely about the religion.

I came to the presentation filled with questions and comments, but I didn’t really ask any of them. I realized very quickly that the things I had to ask or say were not suited for a large group. They were not beneficial to the audience, only me.

In all, I came to respect Randy a lot more. Even though the religion expects it, it takes a substantial amount of strength and courage in order to go on a mission, especially in the heart of New York City. His personality was well suited for grabbing the attention of the public, as evidenced through knowing him and seeing videos of him in action.

In my observations of the religion, I had never had the opportunity to see what actually goes on in the mission. Being part of a constant partnership forces ideal performance, otherwise there are consequences. Yet the methods of converting, the training needed to go out, the lifestyle and expectations—these are all very interesting to me. In my opinion, it’s just another business part of the Mormon church. Yet undeniably, they are effective in converting.

As usual, this experience raised more questions for me. Uncomfortable with asking them and holding the whole group back, I asked Randy if we could meet up sometime this week to discuss things. Of course, this will mean more parts to the ever-growing saga, but what did you expect?

This post was initially going to be about what Randy had to share, but I ended up being more interested in my opinions of that. If you disagree with this decision, feel free to mention it in the comments and I will add more.

Continue reading here.